~Another Loooong Post~

Well this weekend we had a "Ladies Retreat" at RBC called Wired That Way. The speakers were great and my small group was pretty much the best! ;) I have really struggled with my God given personality all my life. From the time I was very young and teachers wanted my parents to medicate me… to adult friendships where I was told that I was too hyper and not spiritually mature because I say pretty much everything that comes to my mind. This has been a great source of sadness for me, because I always feel that the inner core of who I am is not "good enough". I never quite measure up to other's expectations, while at the same time my personality type is naturally desperate for approval from others... Makes for a very confused and sad Carol... Anyway, it was like lifting a HUGE burden and feelings of inadequacy. I have had so many relationships where I felt like they were failing and it was all my fault, because I just couldn’t do it right. I talked too much, was a spotlight seeker, was too loud, needed attention and on and on. Anyway, during this seminar it was like God was speaking directly to me… God designed me the way I am and it is not a faulty design! Whew! The speaker did say that it is rare for someone to be completely one personality without another secondary one. Well guess what!?!? I am RARE! I had 87% of my personality test points in Popular Sanguine. This means, I was created to be talkative, impulsive, loud, and lots of other fun stuff! There are both strengths and weaknesses in every personality and each one requires lots of work to live in the strengths and not the weaknesses. I am actually looking forward to living in the strengths of my God given personality and working on the weaknesses. I am also excited to communicate love and friendship to my friends that have much different personalities than my own, because now I know a little better how to “speak their language” =)

For those of you who know me, you probably know that I have a very hard time sitting still and focusing for long periods of time… OK, anything over 20 minutes is about enough to push me over the edge! So needless to say, my mind and eyes wondered many times during the seminar. The great thing is that God knows me so well and He often seems to speak to me during these moments when I let my mind go in a million different directions… So while learning my personality stuff was really great, God actually spoke to my heart about something even more amazing… OK, I will try to type through these tears that just welled up in my eyes…

Renee Wells led worship and her daughters Amy and Emily both came home from college to help her. So there we were worshipping with these two young ladies playing the guitar and keyboard. My mind wonders, and I look back to see that their Dad, Scott, had snuck in the back to watch his daughters. The look of sheer joy and pride on his face immediately made my think of my own little daughter. I had an overwhelming sadness that Grace did not have a Daddy and may never experience her Daddy sneaking in to watch her do something, simply because he loved her so much and was proud of her… It was then that God spoke to my heart. “Remember what you wrote yesterday? Abba, means Daddy. I am her Daddy and I love watching her. I am proud of her. It is your job to make sure that she knows that.”